What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 13:06
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I think the readers, may guess!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She found it foreign!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i lived it daily.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was scared of men, in general
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Who then, do I blame.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why do liberals think it is okay to steal votes while the rest of us obey the law(s)?
One cannot live in the past .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why do Indian guys love Russian girls?
I said to her
As i do to all so called friends.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Atheists who have read the Bible and think that contains immoral things, why do you assume that?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im still living with it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What did i know ?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My family never makes their pension either.
Put me off passion for life!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
All the time i was locked up.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I could never make a relationship work though!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He knew the spot.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is soul school!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I will be 64.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were not on the streets..
Why did i forgive my father ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My life is so biszare .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So whats the point in blame.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was very sick at this time too.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I have no regrets .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Comes on , in middle age.
I write beautiful poetry .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it wasn’t much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Ive learnt so much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She wouldn,t have been !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was seconnd youngest,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I don,t even have a pension.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Would this be the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She loved him until the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I waited trembling.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She married twice! .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So, i spoilt her more .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
When she asked me how she looked .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!